It was the first day of Firefly Music Festival in Dover, Delaware when I heard an electric guitar purr with that sexy 1960s fuzz pedal accompanied by a soulful rock female voice. I didn't have a chance to comprehend who was playing before my Solar Plexus turn inside out. I felt like someone stabbed me in the stomach and left me publicly humiliated. I couldn't support my fellow divine feminine any longer so I walked away to hug a tree.
My bum was on the tree roots. My back was against the trunk. I sat holding my knees to my chest as I looked at the parking lot bazaar selling hippie and boho fashion and jewelry. It reminded me of my childhood visiting my aunt on the boardwalk at Seaside Heights, New Jersey. She had a shop that sold this stuff along with fart bombs and fake IDs. My girlfriends and I used to beg her for drip candles and band stickers.
While I sat in between the music and the memorabilia, I asked myself why I was jealous of this 20-something year old chick performing so authentically with her band? I typically am a supporter of female talent, however, at this time I felt incapable of supporting her. Instead the negative emotions spiraled into a vortex of victimization. Within my minds eye, I visualized a drip candle with colorful wax sliding down the sides making a dirty brown. A list of missed opportunities within the music industry presented themselves and before I knew it, I was having a full on anxiety attack. I remembered that I had to breath - the importance of breath. I actually started to laugh because I am not a newbie to meditation. I know this stuff - inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale. However, it seemed too simple. So, I went back to that visual of that drip candle.
Instead of seeing the colors slide down into a muddy brown, I visualized the colors growing brighter and more vibrantly. I felt a sense of relief. I was able to breath easier. I continued to visualize these colors breaking the fourth wall, bringing the green color ray out to the grass below my feet and the blue above my head reaching the sky. I was in a calm state. I had eased my anxiety.
I felt ready to join the crowd again, however, I wanted the jealousy to be resolved not just be gone for the moments time. So, I sat and meditated. I visualized seeing the band on stage and sending her love. I held my hands over my stomach and sent yellow color ray to my Solar Plexus chakra. I did some breaths. I allowed myself to have that sacred space to heal and respect my anxiety expression. I thanked it and then I was done.
The singer announced that they are "The Steppin' Stones" without a "g"I thought how appropriate to be called that while I experience this total emotional breakdown and come out of it feeling revitalized. It was as if the universe new that this was just a stepping stone for me to get to onto my own path. I smiled while standing outside and embraced the band's last song loving every guitar lick and rasp that came out of her voice, wholeheartedly.